New beginings

Hard to believe the time goes by so quickly but, it does and it was recently the third anniversary since my boy Darren died.  It has taken me almost all of this time to find something that resembles normal again in my life.  My family is different these days, as often happens when there is a tragedy in a family, our family did not all grieve together.  It seems our close united group lost one of its leaders and we have been floundering, I'm sure this is partly my fault as my sons death hit me very hard.  We come together for birthdays and celebrations but it is not the same as it once was.
Through all that has happened my eldest daughter met a wonderful man with two small boys, one of them is Deacons age and the other one two years younger.   They became engaged last August and  this April we will have a new baby in the family, I am so excited and secretly wishing for a little girl.  There are now seven little boys in  the family and a girl would be the best news.
I am still quilting, actually it is the friends that I have made through quilting that have been my sanity in the difficult times I have had in the past few years, always a shoulder to cry on and a hug when needed.

A new view of life

Roses from my garden

My last post was so long ago, back when I was in a very dark place, when I really thought there would be no end to the anger, pain and sadness I was feeling.  Every day was difficult just putting my feet over the edge of the bed to stand and face another day.  But I did one day at a time, although I did seek a grief counsellor to help navigate the pain I experiencing following the death of my son.   I am so grateful for my friends who were always there for a shoulder to cry on or to just sit and listen to me express my pain.    It is almost two years since Darren died and I still miss him terribly, but now I don't always cry when I think of him and what he endured before his death.    I can smile and even laugh when we speak about him and the memories we have as a family with his brothers and sisters.    I have recently come to the conclusion that I have changed, I have become less critical, less judgemental and more accepting of things and the people around me. I have a new view of life, whether this is because I am becoming older or the experiences I have been through I'm not sure. I now spend time in my garden to smell the roses, I'm  looking forward to what 2017 will bring.

Reflecting

 I feel like I am wandering through each day, not achieving anything, and not feeling any joy, although I am feeling other emotions of sadness, anger, loss and a huge urgency to take flight.  Where would I go, I don't know, and even if I did I am also aware that these feelings would just travel with me.
I have been reflecting, and it seems it has been so long since I felt true joy,  happy with who I am and where I am.  I feel like sadness has placed a veil over me and this now defines who I am.
It has been a long time since my house was busy, full of laughter, noise, and the spontaneity of children and all our family and friends passing through it's doors.   Back then I felt I was happy and had most of what I wanted and needed   When did it change,  was it after my mother passed away,  was it after I became ill,  or was it when my girls, the youngest of my children left home and I sold the house which held all that noise and laughter within it's walls to move into a smaller house. Was it all these thing compounded?
Did I put out an invisible sign "Go away, do not enter sadness lives here"
was it then?
Logically I know this anger, pain and feeling of  desolation is grief, but on reflection how long have I been grieving?  I know I am grieving for a son who held such a large place in my heart and his loss is at times overwhelming but it seems I am also grieving for myself.    Self pity, maybe, will this pass, I am sure it will.  

Sewing gifts

Setting Blocks

Stitching the binding

My mother-in-law has just turned eighty years old, a big achievement especially since she had a nasty fall a couple of weeks ago.  She has always been very active and hates becoming older, and so in her usual style she climbed onto the table to change a light bulb, now I have to tell you they have raked ceilings which are very high and why she thought she would be able to reach to change the bulb I can only guess.  Of course you now know what happened, yes, she fell from the table onto the slate floor. Her injuries were severe enough that she could not get herself up.   For over two hours she called out for someone to help her, finally my father-in-law who is totally deaf without his hearing aides came to her rescue. His first words to her were "what the heck are you doing on the floor"   She has broken her scapular, badly cut her legs and given herself a decent bump on the head, X-rays show no damage to her head but she has been complaining of some short term memory loss and not being able to taste food.  This mishap has slowed her down and she is feeling very low now.
Back to the birthday,  what to give a lady who has everything, and I do mean everything.  Every room in her house has cupboards that are packed full of things that she cannot part with.   I decided I would give her the small table runner I had recently bought as a kit, I just had to make this up, "Candy dish" by Laundry basket quilts.  It is a small table runner she can use on her coffee table, thankfully she loves receiving hand made gifts.
On another note, I recently opened an old copy of Australian Patchwork and Quilting and on turning the pages I was shocked to find that an old neighbour and world renowned quilter Julie Wallace had passed away from a brain tumour last July.  I have cried over this knowledge because I would have attended her funeral, because this disease has also taken my son, because they were both too young and were both very talented people with still so much to give to this world and their families.

Hexagons

While sitting beside my sons hospital bed every day, I needed something to do to keep my hands busy.  I asked the "son who does everything" who was with me, and who was a fantastic support for me, if he would drive me to the local quilt shop.  I don't drive in Sydney it is far too busy for me.   While browsing around the shop I came across Hexagons, these would be portable and I would be able to hand stitch them. Finding a glue stick, papers, needles, cotton, templates and of course some papers, all I needed now was fabric.  I wanted some pre cuts and was lucky to find "Snowbird" by Moda fabrics in a Jelly Roll, the 1" Hexagons fit nicely within the 21/2 widths.
I had sewn a Hexagon quilt many years ago using the old method of tacking the fabric to the papers joining them and then having to pull all that tacking out.  It was time consuming and was only a small lap size when I decided I had done enough.   I am pleased to find how much easier it is with the glue stick,  which is water soluble.  Stitching these for over three weeks I now have quite a collection of Hexagons and was not sure what to do with them until last night when I was trying to go to sleep, of course that's when all good ideas come to me, when I cannot sleep.   I have just ordered some more of the fabric from Fat Quarter Shop and just have to wait for it to arrive. This gives me something to look forward to, I'm still having many sleepless nights and weepy days and often feel like the world is sitting on my shoulders. I miss him so much and want to complete this quilt, it will be my memory quilt of my son and the last days I spent with him.

Home made Pickled onions

My dad rang last week with the news that he had found white pickling onions at his local fruit and vegetable shop.   Pickled onions were something I always made over the summer months along with tomato  pickles and chutneys, they have always been a favourite with my family, especially with fish and chips. With the fish shops charging 80 cents each it was worthwhile making my own.   That was until there appeared to be a shortage of small white onions, I had looked everywhere over the past few years to no avail.  I gave in one year and bought the small brown onions, which the supermarket labelled as pickling onions, what a fail, they turned almost black in the pickling vinegar and I threw them out.  That was the last time I made them, and I was so annoyed every year when I noticed those small brown onions at the supermarket labelled pickling onions.  With the onions dad found for me in hand I suddenly thought, "I don't know where my large jars are" I looked through all the cupboards, even went out to the garage and looked through boxes, bugger.  Then while sitting having dinner I looked at the cupboards over the fridge, could they be in there. How the heck I had put them that high up who only knows. I'm only 5' and even with the step ladder I could not reach. Eventually my daughter got them down along with the help of the wooden spoon.
This blog
is thanks to a blogging friend Diane who asked me for my recipe, so here it is Diane I hope you enjoy them.

Pickled Onions
2kg small white onions
1/1/2 tsps whole allspice
1 1/2 tsps whole cloves
 2.3 cm (1 in.) cinnamon stick                                                                                                        
750 g. (1 1/2lb) cooking salt
6 whole peppercorns                     
5 cups white vinegar, use a good quality vinegar here
4 tsps salt, extra
2 tsps ground ginger
Place unpeeled onions and 750 g salt in large bowl, add enough cold water to cover the onions, stand for 2 days stirring occasionally.  I place a plate in the bowl to keep the onions submerged. Drain liquid and then peel onions.
Cover onions with boiling water, stand 3 minutes, drain.  Repeat this boiling water and draining process two more times.
Pack the onions hot sterilised jars.
Combine all remaining ingredients in a saucepan, bring slowly to the boil, reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes.  Cool slightly, strain and pour over the onions and seal.  Now the hardest part of this process is  waiting at least four weeks before tasting, although a taste test along is allowed because that is what I do, Hahaa,  Hope you will enjoy these as much as my family does. 

Goodbye Darren

On the night of the twenty third of January 2015 my oldest son Darren passed away, almost two years to the day since he was first diagnosed with a Glioblastoma Multiforme grade four brain tumor.  We understood from that first diagnoses there would be no cure for this cancer, the only treatment available would be to give Darren more time with his young family.  Darren endured four surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy, infections, many medications and steroids which would bloat him and make him almost unrecognizable from the handsome man he was.   During all of this treatment he remained positive, up until the last few months when it took his speech and some of his memory, language was so vital to Darren during his career as a Science Journalist, and he found this very frustrating.   We knew then there would be no more options and the tumor was winning.
I have been amazed over the past few weeks to meet, and to hear from many people about how well respected and loved my wonderful son was.   I have heard many stories from the people he connected with, everyone spoke of a man who was caring, intelligent, compassionate, funny, energetic and just a good guy. 
I am also very proud of my daughter-in-law, she has shown nothing but love and compassion while caring for Darren even during times that have been frustrating, exhausting and trying,  I have so much respect for this young woman who, while caring for my son has also been raising two little boys and working full time from home.
My daughter-in-law has up loaded the memorial video eulogy her sister compiled for Darren's funeral onto YouTube "Farewell Darren Osborne". This will give you an insight into the man my son was, a man who was loved my many people.       I will miss him till the day I die.

The Elephant in the room

You may have noticed me missing from my blog, I have been finding it very difficult to write, sure I have opened the page on numerous occasions but only end up closing the computer down and walking away.    My eldest son who has brain cancer has just had another surgery, this, the third time in eighteen months, only three months since the second surgery.    This last surgery has been more invasive, requiring him to be awake and alert for a time during the surgery, with a neurologist present to ascertain any damage to any of his senses.   This journey started eighteen months ago with all of us very optimistic for his future, but with the tumor returning shortly after Christmas and then again three months later our optimism is now waning.  We are now aware that unless he is accepted into a trial program there is little hope.  Chemotherapy is not holding this tumor, a Glioblastoma Multifore aggressive grade four tumor at bay, surgery has been the only answer so far.    I miss my wonderful chats with my amazing son, sure we talk about the children, my daughter-in-law and what is happening with them, and we talk about his treatment,   but there is always the elephant in the room.  What future he has we do not know, and neither does his surgeon or oncologist, one thing we do know is he will not grow to be an old man.   I have found myself becoming more despondent as time goes by, I am trying so hard to keep up appearances for my family and friends but I am finding this more difficult as time goes on.   I debated for a long time about writing this, I don't want sympathy I just want to let you know why I am not continuing with my blog, for awhile at least.   Keep your family close and give them a hug.

Small gifts

Sunday was market day, rugged up in my coat and with my umbrella I set off early to obtain a good parking spot.  After nine o'clock it is really busy and difficult to find a car space.   I was on a mission to find something small, something I could post interstate to my mother-in-law for Mothers Day.  Of course. the first stop is always the coffee van, especially important on wet and cold days to have a hand warmer.  While roaming between all the stalls I came across some gorgeous little hand made pots, these look very Middle Eastern and so beautiful.  I was won over and bought one.  With all my shopping done I was off to meet my friends for a warming breakfast and to catch up on the latest news.   While sitting there chatting I showed my friend the little pot which she thought was beautiful,  I then decided to buy another one for myself.   Would you believe when I went back to the market I couldn't find them,  the stall had packed up during the rain and left, I missed out. Oh, well maybe next time.  

On my last blog I gave you a link to a blog, where I found the instructions for some cute fabric tissue holders, perfect for a handbag and for little thank you gifts.   I also found them on Pinterest so I've pinned them for future reference.   I sewed nine of these in an hour by chain piecing them.  I gave two of them to friends as thank you's, I put one in the parcel for my mother-in-law and I'm not sure who will receive the others.  Sorry about the photos I have taken recently, I'm having a few problems with my camera after my grandson played with it.

A stuffed pumpkin

Since recovering from my cold I have had no energy, I just feel tired all the time.  No sewing, no preserving, and no house work done this past week.  The pumpkins are still on the outside table under cover so I'm sure they will be fine for a bit longer, but, while thinking about what to eat on Thursday night I decided to bring a small one inside to cook.  Amazing what you can come up with when you just don't want to go out and shop.   I cut the top from the pumpkin and scooped the seeds and some of the flesh from  inside and made up a stuffing from the leftover cooked brown rice I had in the fridge, chopped some vegetables, garlic, parsley, nutmeg, cubed tasty cheese and to bulk it up a bit more some fresh bread crumbs.  Basically what I had left in the fridge.     It took about an hour and a half  to cook in the oven, although I could have left it a bit longer, because as I cut into it I found it still a bit firm. It was very tasty though and  I had a large wedge for my dinner.   I then cut a small wedge to have with some chicken the next night,and gave a slice to my daughter to take home.  With the remainder I peeled the skin and blitzed it in the food processor with a cup of chicken stock to make a soup for lunch today.

Add caption

 Like I said I have done no sewing, but I have just read http://retromummy.com/2014/05/03/making-tissue-holders/ and have decided to sew one to add to the gift pack for my mother-in-law for next Mothers Day.  This gift will be posted interstate, so this will be perfect to add to what I have.

No chocolate eggs!

This is a short blog, I have to organise some sewing,  something to stitch tomorrow when I meet with my quilting group.    My family are aware that I do not eat chocolate, that also means Easter eggs of the chocolate variety.  I don't have a memory of why I don't like it, I'm assuming it may be that I gorged myself on chocolate as a child and vomited, which turned me off it,  but that is only a guess.   I just have to show you what the son who does everything and his wife made for me this Easter.  As a craft person I am thrilled they have put time and effort into this gift and as a bonus it is also edible.  He has hand drawn a different design onto each of the fresh eggs. The gift included a little chicken as well.    I hope you had a lovely Easter, shared with family and friends.

Home baked hot cross buns

 My cold is getting better, ok, so I don't sound good, I still have a husky voice but it is clearing up.  I don't have any plans for today other than some stitching, so I am going to stay inside the house.   A friend has encouraged me to bake  my own hot cross buns this year for Easter, something I always did in the past.   It's  been a long time since I have baked them,  usually I am so rushed I just grab a few from the bakery, but this year I have decided to bake my own again.    I found my old recipe last night and set to work, the hardest thing about making hot cross buns is the time it takes to proof them, everything else is easy.  They are lighter than the bought hot cross buns, and because you can change the flavour, you get what you like.

My recipe makes six, so just double the ingredients for a dozen.

2 cups of plain flour
1 sachet of dry yeast
3/4 tsp.mixed spice
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
2 tbls. caster sugar
3/4 cup of sultanas or currants
20gm. butter
1 egg
150ml. milk
small pinch of salt
Combine flour, spices, sugar, yeast, salt and sultanas.  Mix until combined.  Melt butter, add milk, warm to lukewarm.  Add milk and lightly beaten egg to flour mix using a knife to cut it together. Form into a soft dough.  Knead for approximately 8-10 minutes.  Lightly oil a large clean bowl, place into the bowl, cover with plastic wrap and leave for 1/1/2 hours to proof and doubled in size.  Line a tray with baking paper.  Punch down dough, knead until smooth. Divide into 6 equal portions, shape into balls and place into a tin leaving a gap between them. Set aside for 30minutes

Flour paste:
2 heaped tbls. plain flour
2-3 tbls. water

Mix together to make a thick paste, adjusting if needed, place into a piping bag, or a snap lock bag and snip a small hole in a corner, pipe a cross over the buns.
Preheat oven to 190c,  Place buns in the oven for 20-25mins. until golden brown.
Glaze:
1/4 cup water
2 tbls. caster sugar
Melt sugar, and simmer for a few minutes, brush warm buns with glaze.

Family Recipe

I'm still coughing and have a foggy head but, cold or no cold, I had to get to the shops this morning to buy food and chocolate eggs for the Easter weekend.   I'm not fond of chocolates but everyone else in the family is,  I forgot my list, but that is nothing unusual for me so I can't blame the cold for that one.    I thought I had remembered everything, but it seems I have forgotten eggs, butter and tea bags,  but there is no way I am going back there today.  I will just have to make do till next week or ring the son who does everything and ask him if he will be going to the shops.
Yesterday I did manage to cook the tomato relish.    This is an old family recipe, dated 1865 one my mum made every summer.   It's a simple recipe but still very tasty, especially with cold lamb or corned beef.

Tomato Relish:
 2.7 k.   Tomatoes
4 Onions
900gm.  Sugar      
3 tbl.  Dry Mustard powder
1 tbl. Curry powder
190 ml. Malt Vinegar (Brown)
2-3 tbl. Cornflour
2 tbl. cooking salt
Chop tomatoes and onions, place in separate bowls and sprinkle with cooking salt, cover and stand overnight. In the morning drain the liquid from the tomatoes and onions. Place together in a large pan, add the sugar and stir until dissolved. Mix the mustard and curry powder with a little of the vinegar to form a paste, add the rest of the vinegar to the pot, stir in the mustard mix. Stir until the mix comes to the boil, reduce the heat and simmer for approximately 1 1/2 hours till reduced.  If needed mix the cornflour with a little water and thicken. Pour into hot sterilised jars and seal.  When cold label and date the jars. Store in a cool dark place.    Upon opening, the jar should be kept in the fridge.

Preserving lemons

I had a terrible night, I was up and down out of bed most of the night because I was coughing so much.    I'm hoping last night was the worst of this cold.   While awake early, and I mean 4am which is unbelievable for me, but being up was better than lying in bed wide awake.   I  chopped up onions and tomatoes to make a relish, once this was done I made a cup of tea, grabbed a quilting magazine that had recently come in the mail and sat on the lounge to read and watch the sun come up.   I have to admit by ten o'clock I was tired and went back to bed for a couple of hours.
For the past two years I've been cooking  Morrocan food, I was given a Tagine and a recipe book, and after cooking a few recipes from this book I became pretty hooked on the flavours.   I have found another book with a larger choice of recipes, but some of the ingredients are hard to find around here.    This year I decided to plant chillies in the garden so I would be able to make my own Harrisa,  I  also have plenty of lemons so I have been able preserve a few jars.     This is easier than I thought it was, I really don't know why I hadn't done it before.  Don't you love the jars, I found these at the Reject shop.
Preserved Lemons:
8 medium sized lemons (organic if you can get them) or at least unwaxed.
450g rock salt
3 fresh bay leaves
1 tsp. coriander seeds
1 tsp. caraway seeds
Enough fresh lemon juice to cover the lemons
Halve lemons length ways, then cut each half in half but not all the way through
Mix the salt and spices in a bowl, pack the mix in between the cut lemons
Pack the lemons into sterilised jars, pour enough juice over the lemons to cover,
Seal the jars. Label and date.
Store in a dark, cool place for at least three weeks.
Refrigerate after opening, To use remove and discard lemon pulp, squeeze juice
from rind, rinse well and then slice to use.

Preserved lemons

Surprise.... Pumpkins

On Sunday I woke up with a sore throat, not a good start to the day,  I was meeting my family at an Asian restaurant to celebrate my Dad's 87th birthday, hoping I would get through the day I swallowed a couple of Panadol and set off.   We had a lovely day, the food was buffet style with a Sushi bar, Yum char, and lots of Chinese dishes to choose from.   The dessert bar was the best, or so the younger generation said, the chocolate fountain was popular as were the little cakes, slices and ice-creams.
Monday morning found me not wanting to open my eyes, I was so blocked up and feeling terrible.  How can one body produce so much sticky, disgusting muck?  I was supposed to have my flu shot on Wednesday, I have cancelled that until I'm well enough again.
I spent the morning outside in the sunshine, looked over the garden, and decided to pick some lemons, I'll need these for all the cups of lemon and honey tea I am going to drink.   Guess what I found hiding under and around the lemon tree?  Pumpkins, five smallish pumpkins that I was unaware were there, I knew I had a couple of pumpkins but not these five. I have placed them in the sun, hopefully they will ripen before it gets too cold.  I have plans for a couple of  these now I have found them, Pumpkin chutney, but not until I am well again. The rest of them will probably become soup.
I've been sitting stitching flowers and butterflies again, it is taking some time to get through this quilt, so much work on it still do.  Tyler has been inside with me for most of the afternoon, as soon as the sun disappeared and I came inside he wanted to be come in and join me, company for each other.

Block six "Butterfly Garden" by Leanne Beasley

Tyler

A day to remember

On Monday I boarded a bus with about forty Vietnam Veterans their wives and friends to drive to Seymour. The town is about an hour and a half away from our town and we were travelling there to view an amazing tribute to the men and women who were sent to Vietnam, this wonderful exhibit has been named the Rememberance Walk.   It consists of a long wall of panels, front and back of each panel contains the many names of these men and women recorded in alphabetical order.   Behind each panel of  names is a large artwork, a scene taken from everyday life in Vietnam during the war.   The artwork is barely visible during the day, allowing the names of these men and women to take centre stage. It is a totally different experience when seen at night, each of the panels, which are back lit come to life and then it becomes something amazing.  This is another wonderful tribute to the Veterans of this war, scorned when they returned and so long neglected by our Government

Part of the tribute wall taken at night.

Life in Vietnam no picnic

This morning I joined a new quilting group, I had a lovely morning meeting some new women and catching up with friends that were once a part of our old group. I am looking forward to the trips and classes these girls have planned.   I have washed, pressed and folded the fabrics for Darren's quilt, tomorrow I will start to cut all the pieces and maybe a make a start on it this weekend.  In the meantime I am still stitching the blocks for Butterfly garden.

Cool enough for the slow cooker?

Following a couple of very hot Autumn days, it seems the days are now cooling down.    I was thinking it is probably cool enough for the slow cooker to come out from it's summer hiding place.   Why is it when summer comes to an end we crave soup and casseroles?     With some chicken thighs in the freezer and still  lots of tomatoes from the garden I decided on and Italian style dinner.    I  just used the leftover vegetables, carrot, celery, zucchini, chopped tomatoes, half a glass of wine, some chicken stock, garlic, basil and oregano.   I then cooked a handful of pasta to have on the side and it was a yummy meal, with enough leftovers to put into the freezer.

I didn't mention in my last post while I was in Sydney I had the opportunity to attend the Stitches and Craft show.    While there I met a few  women from quilt shops in Melbourne, it was nice to see familiar faces and I was able to chat with them for a short time.   I also found a book that I have been wanting to buy " Japanese Taupe Colour Theory" by Yoko Saito.    The price of this book in the local shops was too expensive for me to consider buying it,  but I was very pleased to be able to purchase it at a much lower price while there.   I have looked through it with much envy, I have also viewed a You tube demonstration by Yoko Saito and am astounded by how quickly she can hand piece.   I have a small collection of  beautiful muted Japanese
fabrics, and I'm looking out for more, but this is something I will be putting away until I have finished what I am currently doing.

Here I am!

Over the past couple of weeks, there have been several times that I have sat in front of the computer ready to write another blog, to get you up to scratch with what has been happening,  but nothing has come to me, I have sat, walked away, sat and then walked away again, what to write, I just didn't know what to say.  Well,
 I am going to start with, "here I am", back from just over a month away, and as usual so much has happened and the time has flown by so quickly.   Darren had his surgery, he recovered well, although the wound took longer to heal this time round, he is feeling fine.  He is currently on two forms of chemotherapy, Procarbizine and Temozolmide which he is is taking every day for two weeks with one week off, in other words he is having a three week turn around.   He has returned to work today, something he needs to do and though he still cannot drive this is no problem because he usually uses public transport to get to work anyway.    It is just a case of take it as it comes from now on.    I have found that I have been more emotional this time around, I was thinking of speaking to a counsellor but I have to wait for an appointment and I'm not sure whether to bother now.
There has been a serious drama withing my quilting group, so much so that a large group of women have left the group and will be forming another quilt group.  This has upset me a lot and I am currently torn, but I have decided to join the newly formed group.  I still have some friends in the original group but the reason for the split is still within the old group and I do not want to be part of this.   I think this has added to my emotional state, I need the support of my friends, but I also need a calm environment.        
 Over the past couple of weeks I have been collecting fabrics to make "Mist" the pattern by Pat Wys that I purchased a few months ago.    I have enough fabric to make a start on cutting this,  but have been busy finding other things to do.       Yesterday I made a start on cleaning up what remains of my summer vegetable garden, picking the green tomatoes and what was left of the cucumbers, I have a few pumpkins on the vine that I have decided to leave and hope they will be ready before it gets too cold.    Today I made green tomato and vegetable pickles and bread and butter cucumber pickle.  In the meantime I have been embroidering block six of Butterfly Garden by Leanne Beasley, there is so much applique and embroidery in these blocks they are taking forever to finish.

Away for awhile

The blog I wrote last week on how tough it can be to raise children seems so profound this week.   Many of  you are aware through my blog, that my eldest son has cancer.     This time last year Darren  had surgery to remove a grade four Glioblastoma tumor from his brain, this is an aggressive tumor so, following the removal of this tumor he then endured six weeks of radiation therapy followed by chemotherapy.     While receiving chemotherapy all year,  there were also MRI scans every three months,  all of which were clear until this last one, which has shown  the tumor has re grown to almost the original size.    He will be having another surgery Monday of next week,   I  have decided to take some leave from my blog, I will be away, and I'm not sure how long.    I hope you will join me again when I am able to return.      Being a parent can be so hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way, as I have said,   I have five amazing children, as a whole we are an amazing family who will stick together through whatever life has to throw at us.   We will all be together to help him during this fight, one that my amazing, talented, caring and loving son, husband and father of two small boys now has to endure.

The toughest job

I think the toughest job on this earth is raising children, anyone can be a parent but to raise healthy, caring,  respectful and loving children you have to put in the hard yards.  I have five adult children who I raised almost single handed, it has been hard work.  On many occasions I have doubted the decisions I have made, as a matter of  fact if I could go back in time, there are certainly a few that I would change, but overall I am sure I have raised wonderful adults.  Being a mother is hard work physically and emotionally and I wish there was a way for young girls to know this before they decided they wanted to become a mum.    While I have watched each one of my kids have difficult times in their lives, on the most part I have stood back to let them work through their problem,  while also telling each of them I am here if you need me.  I have been the shoulder to cry on many times, the ear to listen to their problems and the arms to hug each of them when needed.     On the other hand,  I have received flowers and notes of gratitude and thanks from each of them after these occasions.  When unwell recently my youngest made some chicken soup for me with the comment that I always make soup for her when she is sick.     I received a postcard in the mail this week which had me in tears, my eldest daughter has had a traumatic time over the past two years. Her relationship with Deacon's father broke down and they parted ways, it has been hard for her, working through all this while working full time outside the house and raising Deacon.  We always want the best for our children and it has made me sad to see her go through this, I have supported her when I can, but have not interfered with any decisions she has made.  This is why this little postcard has made me cry.